This week the FDA Approved a new Surgical Purge procedure for folks who are having trouble losing weight. It is called the Spire Assist. Also known as a surgically implanted bulimia activation device. It’s a real thing! Here is how it works, a tube is surgically implanted into the patient’s abdomen through a port and into their stomach, then about 30 minutes after a meal, the patient then inserts a small hook into the port, opens the valve and then contents of the stomach purge into the toilet.

Surgical Purge with the Aspire Assist

With the Aspire Assist, you can eat normal healthy meals with your friends and family. Afterwards, in the privacy of a restroom, the device lets you remove up to a third of the food you eat through a small tube in your belly.

That’s right, eat a normal meal with family and friends and then purge 30% of that normal meal with family and friends, is this the new social norm now? More people gonna have this do-it-yourself stomach pumping machine, are we all going to go to the bathroom at the same time? Hey, Frank doesn’t look like you chewed your grande beefy crunchy chaloopala enough. Along with 30% of calories the patients also lose about 30% of nutrients.

That’s why Aspire has created a new device called NutriSpire; this is where patients are hooked up to another machine, which pumps liquefied Flinstone gummy vitamins right into the small intestine. However, the vitamin slurry tends to make patients constipated, so Aprire created a third device, which mechanically removes fecal matter from the colon, it is called rectum assist.

Naturally, being hooked up to all these machines and wires and hoses nearly motionless for several hours a day so, really many people are right where they started. To be fair, the FDA does note that this device should not be used on patients with eating disorders. Although someone noted this is just an FDA approved eating disorder.

Just so we are clear, vomiting through your mouth is bad, vomiting through a garden hose that is surgically implanted into your gut, is fine. Its FDA approved! Now I have a new report here this is breaking news, Aspire is working on yet another device, this one surgically implants a monitor just over your face and forces you to look at fitness magazine covers all while a surgically implanted hearing device tells you over and over again that you are not good enough!